Progress & Coming Out Woes

Heya all,

Been a bit quite on my front recently I’m afraid, some good reasons for that though. Sadly the thing prompting me to write isn’t so good and as such I’m going to add a Trigger Warning: Transphobia. So let’s dive into this.

The Good

I’ve been working more on my course at work, I was enrolled (if I didn’t mention) on a Chartered Management Institute course that basically teaches all the aspects of management and leadership. It was helpful for the role I’m in and I identified it as something that would help my personal development. Unfortunately for the first class I had horrible food poisoning so I didn’t go, but I did get to the second and third.

So far it’s been really interesting but it has included a bunch of coursework to do, none of it particularly hard, but it has taken up a lot of time. There’s also a reflective journal element which has to account for 1/5th of my time in work (so just 1 day a week’s worth of hours) and I have to provide evidence of applying my learning to my workplace and honestly that’s the hardest part. It’s just so much writing!!

The only annoying point is each class has those bloody exercises that you all undertake and have to learn from…. building spaghetti bridges, tapping numbers in sequence, blargh.

Still, I’m really enjoying learning and whilst the bits at the moment are a bit easy I’m looking forward to what we’ll start learning later.

The Progress

So I’ve not made much, let’s get that out of the way. I’ve bought some stuff off of Wish because it’s cheap and I thought why not, and so far what’s arrived hasn’t been bad. I wasn’t expecting the world, but what I’ve been getting is pretty solid.

I don’t have my ears pierced and I’m not sure I will eve do as I am not a fan of needles. At all. So I got magnetic earrings! I know you can get clip ons and my wife has a bunch that she let me try on, and they’re very variable. Some are way too tight and painful but some are comfortable. I decided what I wanted was upper-ear studs in the trans flag colours (for a reminder look to the left of this blog) and I found the things below.

Magnetic earrings source Wish

I’ve actually done roughly what the lady in this picture has done but might higher around the very wide of the ear in blue, silver, and pink. They pinch a little but I’m hoping I’ll get used to them, and I think they look super cute.

I also got a charm bracelet for Kingdom Hearts 3 which is so fun to jingle and play with.

Shopping!! Kingdom Hearts 2 charm bracelet

They’re minor things but it feels nice to own some jewelry, it does make me feel much more feminine, and it’s hella cute. Nice.

I’ve got some leave coming up with my wife in a week or so where we’ll be watching Avenger’s Endgame because of course we will…. We’ll also be house-sitting the weekend before but after that I’m going to try fully shaving for the first time in like 8 years? And I’m going to remove every hair on my body, paint my nails, and see how this shit goes. Feedback incoming. Eeek!!

The Ugly

We were on the way to my parents for a birthday meal for my brother and sister. One’s birthday was last week and the other’s is next week so we were going to go out this weekend when we were all free. They picked us up in the car as we live about an hour’s drive away and took us back to their town.

Important to note I am not out to my parents. You’ll see in earlier entries I’ve always been concerned about their attitudes to trans people and I wasn’t going to rush this. I was considering it being soon though, I was thinking it was tricky keeping this part of myself hidden and maybe they’d be okay. Definitely not; last warning for transphobia.

In the car we were discussing the news as we often do and go onto the subject of people in films and my dad got onto the subject of how we shouldn’t expect all black or gay roles to be played by black or gay actors because it’s “acting”. Anyone familiar with being gay or black will be well used to this argument and I’m not going to bother getting into the lists of reasons and history of why this is a stupid argument.

Form there though he made an “I identify joke”. The peak of humour. Actually quoted from Piers Morgan as well; “I identify as a thin person so I’m-” blah blah blah.

I told him this was a stupid joke and literally leads to people being murdered, and what followed was every transphobic argument from both him and my mother in a row. If it wasn’t so upsetting and infuriating it could have been a good academic exercise.

We had:

  • Unless you have surgery you’re not trans you’re a cross-dresser
    • REBUTTAL: This is bullshit; if you chose not to medically transition you’re just as valid, there is something of a distinction between transsexual (the old medicalised term) and transgender (the generic term), and transvestite being the term referring to people who dress as a gender they do not identify as.
  • 80% of trans kids are lying (direct quote)
    • Figures from an asshole, no basis in any kind of fact at all, nothing to rebuke..
  • Those lying trans kids are only doing it so that you’ll slip up and use the wrong pronouns so they can complain
    • REBUTTAL: Because the first thing on a young trans kid’s mind when they’ve hit A&E because of self harm is “tricking” some nurse into getting their pronouns wrong so they can pounce and file a complaint about them. Or, you know, maybe they’re just so used to being discriminated against and insulted they complain as a matter of course now.
  • Most trans people detransition
    • REBUTTAL: We know this is incorrect, recent statistics show the detransition rate is <1% and much of that is due to social pressures around transitioning rather than suddenly becoming cis.
  • Parents are forcing their kids to transition
    • REBUTTAL: Big ol’ nope here, kids are being forced to stay quite and put up with, rather than be treated for, gender dysphoria. That’s why we’re still having conferences to encourage awareness.
  • There are some genuine trans people but the rest are just pretending to be cool because they get special dispensation.
    • REBUTTAL: No trans person has every had any special dispensation that they didn’t have to put up with decades of abuse, bullying, violence, threats, insults, and countless explanations and justifications to get to. Nobody transitions to be cool.
  • Trans people shouldn’t be able to use their preferred bathrooms because (really not making this one up) “The bathrooms aren’t set up to allow for different biology”.
    • REBUTTAL: I mean, pardon my french, but everyone needs to shit so most bathrooms do in fact have a globally usable toilet.
  • How do you even know anyway??!? How do you know someone in the bathroom is the right gender?!
    • REBUTTAL: This is one that possibly annoys me the most, aside from the blatant bigotry above. See most of my family have various disabilities, from autism to sarcoidosis and chronic pain syndrome. We’re not a health bunch. Many times my father specifically has complained “invisible disabilities” and is a huge supporter of not criticising people who just don’t look sick enough to use, say, a disabled toilet. His own son has been challenged before and he went off the rail at the accuser. But when asked how he would be making sure everyone was legally entitled to use the right bathroom he had nothing more than “they’d just have to”. Nothing to justify that if you want to lock people to the bathroom of their assigned-at-birth gender (ignoring the difficulties there of XXY intersex individuals) someone is going to have to start checking driver’s licences and passports.

So that was a huge clusterfuck. My wife and I were countering each of the points they made but unlike some hardcore conservative christian deep south motherfuckers I’ve read about people dealing with, where they have one point (i.e. the toilet thing) and they just stick to that and can’t be moved, my parents just flitted across every argument without stopping to consider it, or listening to any evidence. As soon as a point started going bad they moved to the next crass, outdated, and harmful rhetoric.

What’s even worse is my sister is going to get married to another woman next year! And you know what; they’re fine with that! But don’t see the hypocrisy of using the same old complaints and argument rolled out for “The Gays” back in the day which they would now (hopefully, although I’ve yet to see this happen) defend their daughter against….

So after that I’ve put myself firmly back in the closet, at least in respect to my parents. I’ve read a lot of people’s experiences with parents and generally when they have these entrenched views and a complete disregard for any alternative argument the results boil down to live with it, and then when you transition put up with dead-naming, misgendering, and bullshit, or cut them out of your life for good. I don’t think I’m there yet.

They’re not bad people, an argument in a car isn’t the best place, but what do I do? My best idea has been send them a letter (or this blog) and just say: “I am trans. I am not gong to discuss or debate this with you, I am not going to put up with discriminatory bullshit as I’ve had before, you either educate yourselves and come to accept me or we part ways amicably.” It feels harsh. I don’t know.

For now I guess I keep it a secret. I’m glad I took time after this to calm down a little because I was moments away from walking out the house, getting a taxi to a train station, and going home without another word. I’m not sure if they have a clue I’m trans based on how angry I was, but if they did that’s even worse.

So for now? Not much more to report on. Work’s about to get super busy, I’m going to start transitioning a bit more, and I’m going to do another article on my learning about voice feminisation and also on the progress I’ve had getting information out of the Tavistock Trust (think blood and stones).

Stay safe everyone.

With love,


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