Rough Weeks

Heya everyone,

Been a little bit again, I think about 2 weeks? It’s been a bit tricky with everything that’s going on so I’m going to do a big ol’ brain dump and move on.

I’ve been on an antidepressant, Citalopram, for about 5 years now. I started midway through university after my then-girlfriend-now-wife pointed out I was a mopey useless sack of shit (my words not hers). I had a trip to the GP who did a few test, had a good chat, slapped me on medication, and told me to fuck off.

It did really help but I was never reviewed to check up after that from that GP. Four years later I’d moved county and registered with a new GP who tried to refuse to prescribe without seeing me. This didn’t go down well as they’d originally told me there would be no problem so I got down to 1 week remaining and their next appointment was 3 weeks out. Clever. They agreed to prescribe.

After I realised I was trans and started looking at hormones I also encountered a lot of gatekeeping stories about people who had been refused (only by the NHS mind) hormones or other treatment either because of made-up interactions between the drugs or worse still the old “you’re not trans you’re just sad, have more antidepressants”.

This gave me a bit of a kick in the behind to try and stop Citalopram. Being a psychology graduate I know the issues with continued medication without review and having read the side-effects I knew it wasn’t a permanent solution, but it’s also a bit scary to stop. If you’re comfortable and emotionally stables there’s a lot to be said for not fixing what ain’t broke.

Coincidentally I got a call from my new surgery about 2 months ago now saying that again they wouldn’t prescribe until I’d had a review. Being sick of this shit I agreed only to a telephone review. I wasn’t too worried as I assumed they wanted me to stop taking it to save a few quid and I wanted to stop for my future treatments.

During the call the GP was delighted and told me it was easy enough, I should just stop taking it. Now I didn’t think that was a pretty good idea based on the fact neurological medication generally shouldn’t be stopped, but she was insistent that I was on a negligible dose anyway and so it would be fine. And who am I to argue with a trained medical professional?

Apparently someone with half a brain, which is precisely 1/2 more than her.

Three days later I got home from work after struggling through the day before collapsing on the sofa and spending the next hour blearily staring at the ceiling feeling like someone had taken a literal shit on my brain. It wasn’t very fun and I took another Citalopram and a couple of hours after that began to feel a little better.

After that I decided to ignore the GP and reduce the medication myself, dropping to half for 2 weeks, then half every other day for 2 weeks, successfully using up the last of my medication and doing it properly.

So that didn’t help! What else was going on? General fugue from the state of the UK. If you’re not aware or are triggered by the dreadful shit going on against trans people at the moment probably best to stop here.

Currently there are a bunch of debates raging nationally about:

  • Which bathrooms to use (again)
  • If trans people should be allowed to compete in sports (although we already are)
  • If we should be fucking sterilized before transitioning
  • If we should let kids know trans people exist of not “expose them” to us

The fact this is churning again and that the media are quite happy to exploit and run with this because it’s a nice sensationalist headline and generates a lot of cash isn’t helping.

There was a recent tweet storm against the head of a trans charity from some sort of pervert bigot. I assume she was a pervert because all she could talk about was this charity head’s daughter’s genitals! The content of her posts was vile, I’m not going to link them or name her because I don’t want my blog associated with that filth in any way, but it was truly vile and accusatory; multiple accusations about child abuse and causing bodily harm to her own daughter. She also repeated called her daughter a boy.

Now the head of the charity sent this to the police as it was both threatening, defamatory, and revolting. This piece of human garbage then went to the papers with “oh I’m being attacked by the police just because little innocent me misgendered her child, this is political correctness gone mad!!”. And the papers ate it up. Every single one ran the story, none included her actual tweets, and the charity gained a huge amount of hate mail. Lovely.

So with all this I’ve not been in a particularly good mood to post. I feel threatened that when I start transitioning socially I’m going to be faced with bigotry from around the country, our basic institutions like the press and health service will actively work against me, and that’s not great. What does cheer me up is knowing it’s not just me, there’s a lot of other people out there who face the same and who have come out the other side stronger, better people. Happier too.

Fingers crossed.

With love,


Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.